A seemingly bottomless box full of old cableswill swallow the office dog. Do not go in after it. It’s over. The pet store is open until 7:00 p.m.

An old friend will come back into your life, making your Dungeons and Dragons group whole again. Your Sunday night roleplaying sessions can begin anew. Rejoice.

The colour blue has many meanings seated deep in the collective unconscious of our species: sadness, loyalty, the sky, good steak. But you, Taurus, know its true meaning. Today you will be faced with a blue screen of death. Do not shrink away from it; lean in. Because it’s your job to vanquish it, and defeat death itself.

You will travel far with your new mechanical keyboard, about 4 millimetres to be exact. When it lights up, so will your soul.

The system will break. The whole thing. The part you need to fix it was last manufactured in 1971. The only thing harder than travelling back there to retrieve it will be telling your client (maybe boss?) you can’t get the system online. So, get into the time machine. Bring a stress ball if you’re going to be a baby about it.

The office will acquire a quantum computer, and also not acquire a quantum computer.

The soothing white noise of the server room will lull you to sleep. Your body knows what it needs, moment to moment. Trust in its wisdom.

The stars are agnostic about your lust for a colleague’s new mechanical keyboard. Follow your heart; take the keyboard; put a label with your name on it; take control of your life.

You’ll send your education software AI into a kindergarten class for training with children. It will return riddled with viruses and its nose will run for about two years.

Nothing interesting or unexpected will happen, which is PERFECT.

There will be an explosion. The equipment will be fine, but your team will be bathed in radiation. You’ll gain the ability to stabilize nearby Bluetooth connections by squinting until your eyes hurt. Gary, however, will become a source of perpetual energy and change the world. Typical, just typical.

You feel like you’re always patching your flaws and getting nowhere. When do you release a new version of yourself, clean and pure? The truth is that you’re a Human As A Service, and you are literally nothing but patches. It never stops.




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